spiders and snakes

Rachel talked a lot this morning. Almost a constant stream. A lot of it was unintelligible, and most of it was angry, but at least there were words. She struggled a lot with getting dressed. She tried to put on her clothes before she had taken off her pajamas, and she put her arm through the neck of her shirt and got stuck for a bit, and then got mad at me for pulling her arm back out and yelled "why are you biting my arm?" and then burst into tears.  She talked a lot about spiders and snakes and apparently at some point a ghost also bit her arm (?). She was really jittery this morning as well.  After she got dressed and ate some breakfast she seemed a lot more calm. I hope her day gets better.

We had a fun weekend. We had a baby shower for Rachel's cousin on Saturday, so we got to see lots of family. Rachel didn't talk very much, but I think she enjoyed it a lot. Saturdays are hard because we usually have things to do that she can't help with or wouldn't enjoy. It used to be a great day that she could just relax and pick what she wanted to do. She would usually color or play with toys and puzzles, sometimes with people and sometimes by herself. Now she won't really do anything unless I insist, and then she gets angry. In the evenings when it's dark she will sometimes go to her room, which is fine, but she won't bother to turn her light on. She just goes in her room and sits on her bed in the dark. It's really hard to make someone play and have fun. And by "really hard" I mean "impossible." Lately she hasn't even been getting her books and magazines out to play with, and if I help her choose a toy to play with it just sits there next to her while she stares off at who knows what. So, anyway, having a baby shower to go to was perfect because it was fun, low key, and got her out of the house for awhile. I wonder if she's bored with all the options she has to play with, and maybe needs something new, but I have no idea what it would be. I've tried letting her pick something out at the store, but she usually won't even look at the toys. Sometimes she sees something she acts like she wants, but is uninterested when we get home.

Sunday she just seemed distant. She got a bit upset in church, which isn't unusual, but I can usually calm her down with a hug, and holding her hand seems to keep her calm and connected to me. She didn't want me to touch her, and she was getting to the point where I was concerned that she would start yelling. I pulled out a notebook and pen and let her color, which distracted her a bit, and then gave her half a piece of gum to chew on. That worked fairly well, as long as I didn't touch her too much. I usually carry a notebook just for her to color in, and the page I quickly opened to had been colored on before. There is just one spot where she had scribbled, almost to the point of going through the paper. I encouraged her to pick a different spot to color, but she just kept returning to the area where she had colored before. The pen was held at such an angle that it wasn't able to make a mark on the paper anyway, and she wasn't pressing hard enough to really do anything, so I guess it didn't matter. I recently found a picture of balloons she made a few years ago. Just some circles with lines drawn down from them for the strings, but it is one of my favorites. I wish she would draw again. She used to love it so much.

I'm fairly certain that all the abilities and knowledge and desires she used to have are still in there somewhere. Occasionally they show up again, sometimes just for an hour or two, sometimes longer. But then they're gone again, and I'm left with either a vacant look or anger.