"It's not working"

This morning I got Rachel out of bed and sent her in to use the restroom. She was moving slowly, so I indicated to her that she should go. She paused in the doorway, turned, and with a very serious look on her face said "I can't. It's not working." Then she turned and walked down the hall. Later on she was all dressed except for her shoes and socks. I came in the room to see her standing, staring down at them on her floor. I said "Rachel?" She said "I can't find my shoes." I have seriously wondered if my boys had just "faked" looking for things before, but none of them have ever been quite that blatant. She just makes me smile.

We had family over last night, and Rachel would come out for a little while, and then go back in her room. It was dark, but she didn't turn her light on. She just sat there in the dark. She did sit next to her window, so maybe she could see some lights on or something outside. I just honestly wish I knew what was going on in her head. Years ago (she was 8) I had some pictures we would look at frequently, and talk about the stories the pictures were depicting. I would tell her the stories while pointing to the pictures, and then ask her questions. She could usually answer the "who is this?" questions and the "what is this?" questions, but only occasionally could she answer the "what are they doing?" questions. One day when I had asked a question that was a little difficult, she sat and stared at the picture for awhile and then looked up at me with a concerned look on her face and said "I can't talk it, Mommy." She knew what she wanted to say, she just couldn't verbalize it. When she was going through the worst of her lows about 5 or 6 years ago and got to the point that we thought we would lose her, I didn't think she was aware of anything going on around her. However, when she came back and started talking again it seemed to me that she was talking about things that had happened during that dark time. It makes me wonder how much goes on in her mind that she can't share. How much more would she be capable of if she could express herself better. On the one hand, I hate to think of an active and capable mind trapped in a body that keeps it from being able to express itself. On the other hand, it's comforting to think that if she is trapped in her mind at least she is able to entertain herself and have things to think about.

After 19 years of intense and intimate involvement with her, she is still an enigma. There is so much I don't know, and don't even know how to begin to figure it out. But as I watched her walk out to her bus this morning I was touched by the knowledge that she is perfect, just the way she is, and I wouldn't change a thing.