Crying

On Friday I needed to go to the school for a meeting to finalize my son's classes for next year. I decided to stop in at Rachel's class to say "hi." The minute she saw me she burst into tears. I sat next to her and calmed her, and then I left. She's spent a lot of the last couple of days crying for no apparent reason, so it wasn't really a surprise to me that this occurred. The thing is, every time this happens, it warms my heart. I realize that to the uninformed this doesn't make any sense and might even make me sound cruel. But there is a reason.

We adopted Rachel when she was 9 months old. Between the adoption and the autism (and other disabilities), it took her a long time to figure out the parent/child relationship. For quite awhile she didn't really care if I took care of her, or if I suddenly disappeared and someone else was there. Also, she had been neglected and didn't cry very often, because in her limited experience it didn't really do any good. One day, though, we were in a group of people in my neighbor's back yard and something occurred to make her unhappy. She looked around at everyone, and when she saw me she started crying. And I cried too, because this meant that she knew of all the people there, I was the one that would take care of her. She KNEW that if she cried, I would come and help her. I don't think I can adequately explain the feelings in my heart at that time. My heart just grew. So, while I don't ever like to see her cry, I'm so incredibly grateful that she knows that she's safe with me, and that I'll try to fix whatever is wrong. There is such a responsibility attached to the role of parenthood. It scares me to think that I might not live up to what is expected/required of me. I hope that somehow she knows that if I don't fix something it's not from a lack of effort or desire. And, unfortunately, there are lots of times when I can't fix what is making her unhappy. Every time she turns to me when she needs something or cries when she sees me, she's telling me she still trusts me and knows that I love her and will help her. Since our ability to communicate with each other is difficult at best, this is one way I can know that bond is still there.