Noises

Over the weekend Rachel and I had a few hours or so where the two of us were sitting in the living room alone. I was doing some reading and working on the computer, and she was sitting on the couch with a magazine in her lap looking out the window. She kept making sounds (actually it was the same sound, over and over again), probably 4-5 times every minute, that could have been words had she opened her mouth a little farther. She looked relatively calm and happy. Every once in awhile I would ask her what she said or try to talk to her, and she would look at me like I was interrupting something important she was doing, and then proceed to ignore me.

I was annoyed. And then I felt guilty for being annoyed. And then I cut myself some slack because, seriously, any noise that is repeated over and over again can be super annoying when you're trying to focus on something else. And then I felt sad because if she would just open her mouth and talk there was probably something really cool happening in her head, and maybe I could have shared it. I wanted to scream "enunciate, child!" (and I probably would have if I had the slightest hope it would have done any good). She was having fun in her own little universe, and I wasn't invited. I just got to listen to enough of it to know it was happening.

I choose to be an optimist (notice the word "choose." I'd really rather throw a temper tantrum, but I'm "mature" enough to know that would be worse than useless). So, I'm grateful to know there was something going on in her head, and that it was important enough to her that she didn't want to be interrupted. I'm grateful that her daydream, or whatever it was, was happy. I'm grateful that I was able to watch her experience it, since I couldn't share it with her.

It's truly amazing to me how a small noise can become such an emotional experience when the parent/child relationship is involved. If my furnace had been making the same noise, I would have just tuned it out.

I am completely and eternally grateful that this beautiful, amazing, emotional girl is such an integral part of my life.