Hope

Rachel hardly spoke this morning, and what she did say was very quiet and more or less unintelligible. Again, it's dark, and I'm not entirely sure she's completely awake. Also, if I'm pretty sure what she wants to say is not going to be socially acceptable, I don't generally encourage her to talk. She got dressed all on her own. I was still working on breakfast, so I got her started and left for a couple of minutes. She was more or less finished when I got back, so that was nice. Hopefully she'll be happy and awake by the time she gets to school.

Yesterday after school she covered her bed with books and perched on the corner again. I think she might sit there because she can see out her bedroom window easily from there, and it's where the heater vent blows so it's really warm. I realized that she never sat there during the summer, but now she almost always does, so that would make sense. And maybe the "exercise" she gets from barely balancing on the corner is good for her. I know I couldn't sit the way she does for as long as she does. I wish I could talk her in to doing other things as well as look at books, but at least she is doing something. Too many days she just retreats into her head and I can't get her to even acknowledge that there is a world out here. So I'm grateful.

We had an errand to run last night, and she came along. She wasn't very excited about it, but didn't really complain, either. After we got back home she got out of the car and burst into tears. I'm not sure what upset her. I don't know if she was cold or disappointed that we didn't do anything fun or if she bumped something getting out or what. She calmed down fairly quickly, so hopefully it wasn't anything too bad. When my boys were little and got upset they could tell me what was wrong. Sometimes I could fix it, and sometimes I could only provide comfort, and sometimes I had to help them just get over it because they were wanting something ridiculous. With Rachel, I feel like I'm usually trying to help her just get over it since I don't even know what "it" is. It might be something HUGELY important, though. If I dismiss things that are truly a problem, and communication with her is so difficult anyway, why would she even try to communicate a problem to me, knowing I'll probably just hug her or offer her a drink of water or something? I feel like I'm failing her most of the time. I have had to learn to let go of guilt. Guilt makes me feel bad and want to give up and it puts a barrier between us that makes things even worse. I have to do the best I can and let it go, but that's REALLY hard. I want to make everything good for her right now, and I don't have any clue how to go about doing that. If you have a toothache and somebody paints your nails, it's not that helpful. If you've got a headache or you're hungry and somebody snuggles you and reads a book, it doesn't really solve the problem. If you have muscle spasms and sit funny and therefore have super sore muscles and possibly some back pain and somebody tries to cheer you up with a cookie, it won't work. If you want some attention, and someone gives you a tylenol and helps you lie down quietly on your bed with the lights dim, it makes the problem worse. You get the idea. I almost NEVER know what's wrong. I just have to look at her and think about what she's been doing and make the best guess that I can and give myself credit for effort. If I let myself feel guilty when I've done the best I can, it hurts our relationship. Hopefully I'm right some of the time. Hopefully she knows I'm making an effort. Hopefully she knows how very much I love my little girl. Hopefully.