"happy switch"

We must ask Rachel "what are you doing?" a lot, because that is one of the most common things she asks people, except she just says "doing?" She started getting out of bed before she was really coherent this morning, and very groggily said "doing?" and looked at me like I was supposed to make sense of things for her. It was cute. She had to be reminded to do everything this morning. She would just stand and wait until I reminded her what to do next. It might have been just that she wasn't completely awake, but it seemed that she either couldn't remember what to do next or she simply didn't care if she did the next thing and was content to just stand there doing nothing. She did her normal morning monologue of "it's not mine. It's garbage. I don't like it. I'm not a girl. You're a girl." She didn't get really upset, but she didn't smile, either. I think we'd get more happy mornings if we could just start a little later. Getting up in the dark is just not fun, no matter how early you get to bed.

Yesterday we had parent teacher conferences. She wasn't in a frame of mind to go back to school while I talked to lots of teachers, so she stayed home. I'm super grateful for awesome teachers! And it's good to have the opportunity to talk to people who see her almost as much as I do and compare notes.

As soon as I got home, Rachel and I went to a Christmas program with lots of Christmas music and food. I was really hoping she'd have a good time. She loves Christmas music most of the time. She wasn't very happy while we listened to the music (which was really beautiful). She usually likes to hold my hand. It helps calm her (and keeps them warm - she has cold hands a lot) and sort of connects us. She didn't want to last night, and she kept mumbling things that didn't sound like they'd be happy if I could understand what she was saying. I gave her a notebook and pen and that kind of helped, although I can't say she really wrote anything. Eventually I gave her a stick of gum, and that seemed to at least minimize the amount of mumbling. Most of the time she loves to listen to music, so it made me sad that she couldn't enjoy it last night. After the music was over I got her some food which she ate quickly, so maybe she was just hungry. The sandwich and cookie were difficult for her to manage without making a little bit of a mess, which upset her a bit. Sometimes she's a little OCD about being meticulous while she's eating and a mess of any kind makes her unhappy. Other times it's like she's lost in a different world and she just randomly drops food and makes a huge mess and doesn't even seem to be aware of what she's doing. I just did my best to distract her so she wouldn't be upset. When I left her alone for just a minute, I looked over and she was laughing. It was like someone flipped a switch, and she was suddenly happy. Later, some friends came and sat by her and spoke with her, which was awesome! She really enjoyed the last half of the evening. She even ate a few more cookies (she put the whole thing in her mouth at once so they wouldn't crumble (she does learn coping strategies!). Fortunately they were small, so it wasn't a problem. She was happy while she got ready for bed, and was fairly focused on what she was doing. Much better than this morning. I just wish I could figure out a way to flip the "happy switch" on. I've been looking for it for 19 years, and I just can't seem to find it.