Quiet

"I can't." Said in almost a whisper. But again, she got right up (and in her defense, that was more or less what I thought when the alarm went off). Aside from a little confusion with where to put her pajamas (they go under her pillow, not in the hamper), she dressed quite quickly and efficiently once she got going.

It was a fairly uneventful morning, as was the afternoon and evening yesterday. Not really worth another post. She didn't want to do anything but watch out the window. I tried to interest her in other things, but didn't even get a response. These are the hardest times. About 6 years ago she went through an entire year of slowly deteriorating. She had been a very interactive, outspoken child, in spite of her autism. Then after about a month, most of which she spent crying and hallucinating, she just kind of disappeared. Her hands turned into claws, we were lucky to hear a few words a week, and if left alone she would start to tip over and drool. It was heartbreaking. The doctors couldn't figure out what was wrong, but didn't offer any hope that things would get better. But then they did. After about a year of watching her deteriorate, she started talking and coloring and smiling again. She steadily improved and we have loved every minute of it. This last year she's had more trouble, though. It hasn't been as dramatic as the last time, but some days she still disappears. Some days she can't talk, feed herself, or remember how to get dressed. And some days she can. I hate the days when she can't function. I'm so afraid she won't come back again. So while I'd much prefer her happy, smiling days to her angry, fitful days, the worst days are the days when I look in her eyes and can't see her in there, and I listen for her, but there is no sound. Those are the days I miss my girl, even when she's right next to me.

Last night and this morning have been very quiet, but when asked she has been able to do things for herself. She ate dinner without help or even much reminding, and when she went in to use the bathroom she came out on her own (sometimes she'll just stay in there until I go remind her to finish up and come out). She's still here with us, just very still and quiet.

Today Grandma and Grandpa are coming to visit, so I'm really hoping she'll laugh and talk and play. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.