Grooming

I really don't like clipping Rachel's fingernails. I can trim mine to the end of my finger and still have almost 1/8 of an inch of fingernail before it attaches to the skin. If I trim Rachel's nail at the end of her finger, I've cut it too far. She doesn't hold still very well while I trim them, but I try not to leave any sharp edges. I have to be so careful not to cut them right where they attach. I think I've only really cut them too short twice (only one finger each time, in almost 20 years, that's pretty good), but I remember those times very clearly, and I don't want to repeat the experience. Consequently, her fingernails are frequently a lot longer than they should be.

Rachel has had problems with super dry skin and eczema, so I have to be a little careful how often she bathes and what soap I use on her. The other problem (possibly related?) is that sometimes she has a build up of dead skin. Especially after she's been in the water either bathing or swimming, there will be times when if you rub your hand on her, a lot of dead skin comes off. This is especially true around her ankles and by her collar bones and neck. No idea why. I had a physical therapist looking at her ankles and feet one day, and took her shoes and socks off. She had been moving around a lot and was a little sweaty. As I took her shoes and socks off I noticed an overabundance of dead skin that could easily be brushed off. It looked like I hadn't bothered to bathe her forever, but in truth she had a bath the night before, and while I don't always scrub every inch of her every day with soap (because of the dry skin issue), I know I towel dried her ankles. I'm not at all sure how that much dead skin was still there. I wonder if it's related to the fact that she doesn't ever scratch. Even when she has mosquito bites or something like that she doesn't really scratch them. If she's got a bite on her arm and something rubs it and causes it to itch more, she might rub it a little with her hand, but she never scratches herself with her fingers. I think that your skin would itch if you had a build up of skin that needed to come off, and most people would scratch and it would come off. But she doesn't. I know how uncomfortable it is to have something itch and not be able to scratch it, I wonder if she doesn't feel things itch, or if she doesn't know how to scratch to make it go away. One more mystery....

The other day I accidentally picked up her brush to brush my hair instead of my own. After one swipe I was very aware of the switch, because there is one bristle on her brush that the little tip has come off from, and it scratched my head. I had no idea I was scratching her head with her brush. She's never given any indication that it hurt her. I guess it's time for a new brush.

There are so many opportunities for guilt every day. It's amazing that I can even function. And while I used to believe that every year she'd be a little closer to independence, the truth is that she does less now than she did six years ago, so no one can possibly guess what the future will bring. In a lot of ways it's actually more difficult and time consuming to care for her now than it was when she was little. I don't begrudge the time spent, however. I'm happy to help her however I can, I just hate it when I do it wrong.