Grateful

This morning Rachel had a hard time staying focused on getting ready for school. She would have been very content to go back to bed or just sit down and look at books. I had to keep reminding her that she needed to get dressed. She wasn't unhappy, she just didn't really want to be up and moving around. I don't think anyone did. It was a rather quiet morning.

While we were visiting Grandma and Grandpa we watched a movie about Temple Grandin, who is a very successful woman who is also autistic. When Temple was four, her mother apparently was told that the reason her daughter was autistic was because at a vital point when Temple needed her, she wasn't there for her. Because of this they hadn't bonded properly, and that is what caused the autism. I can't imagine being told that. I remember attending a meeting with other parents of autistic children when Rachel was still a baby, and they all spoke of feeling guilty. They felt that they had in some way contributed to their child's disability, and that guilt haunted them. I can't imagine having someone add to that natural guilt response with an actual accusation. I am appalled that someone who is educated could actually have come up with that scenario as an answer to a disability. Since we adopted Rachel, I was free of guilt for many years. Since she had continued to make steady progress under our care, I felt sure that I had only enhanced her life. Until recently. The past 5 or 6 years, as her progress has come and gone, I have learned how to wonder if what I am doing contributes to her progress or her lack thereof. And now I do feel guilty a lot of the time. How grateful I am that I don't have a professional telling me that it's my fault.

Temple spoke of needing a hug, but being unable to accept a hug. She developed a "machine" that allows her to feel the comfort of being hugged. I am so grateful that Rachel allows us to hug her. She didn't when we first brought her home, but her older brother was fairly insistent that he get to hug her. Over time she began to accept the contact, and now she is calmed by hugs (most of the time). We are so fortunate, and so blessed, to be living at a time when disabilities are so much better understood, and to live in an area where so many people are not just willing, but anxious, to reach out to us.

As Rachel left today for school, I gave her a quick hug and kiss, and she gave me a smile and a wave goodbye. Life is good.